Excuses, Excuses

We've all been there. You’re supposed to do something. You’re not going to do it. But you can’t say, “Hey I'm not going to do this because I don’t want to.” I've tried that, it doesn't work. So here are a few underused excuses for those times when you've had one too many “family emergencies”...

My house/apartment is haunted - This is great because it’s so open ended. What does it mean? Does it mean that you didn't get a good night’s sleep because a ghost widow from WWII kept you away all night crying, “Johnny, where’d ya go? We were gonna be together forever, Johnny!”? Does it mean that you’re busy getting your house ready for a team of priests or ghost investigators? Does it mean that you’re in the middle of moving? Who knows! It’s such a wacky excuse it’s bound to work.

I fell down - Just leave it at that. Let their imagination fill in the rest.

I spilled [vinegar/gasoline/arsenic/your choice of liquid] everywhere - You can’t just leave your house if acid is seeping into the carpet. That’s the kind of thing you really need to clean up. You might even need to call in those dudes in those suits, like the ones who captured E.T. and then put him into a tent and then I turned off the tape and tried not to cry. From what I've heard, the movie ends on a happier note.

A tree fell on my car - This one is tricky because for the next few days you’re going to have to borrow someone’s car or be expected to take public transportation. And then you need to wait the right amount of time for you to drive your car again. You know, factor in how long it would take it to get repaired. This excuse is what I call a “Costanza.” It’s very complicated and crucial that it’s pulled off right. Use in a real emergency only.

I have diarrhea - This one is gold because no one is going to question you. It’s a magical word. You actually don’t even need to say “I have.” Just text “diarrhea” or call into work, say it and hang up and you’re set. Because why would someone fully admit to having diarrhea or lie about it? It’s perfect.