Who Are These People and Do We Need Them?

Product label writers.
 
Who are they? Who employs them? What is their job description? Here's my thought...they work directly under the legal department of large companies and under the direction of counsel, write directions and warning labels fit for a zombie who just landed on earth and discovered our products for the first time. Because companies are required to provide ample warning of "foreseeable" dangers in their products, this must be a high paid position succeptable to brain strain and writer's block. Prerequisites for the job: Must be from earth, be able to type 5 wpm, and read.
 
I have my own bathroom and Adam has his own bathroom (his bathroom is an ensuite in our bedroom). Now because Adam is usually the only one that ever uses his bathroom, putting down the toilet seat is never on his "To Do List". Quietly, I crawled out of bed this morning at 5:30 am to use the bathroom and got ready to do what I have down to a science while still half asleep on any given night...when using my own bathroom but this particular morning for reasons unknown, I used Adam's bathroom...when my worst nightmare comes true. S P L A S H - arse first right in the bowl - and ladies you know, what do you do when you are falling into the toilet? You grab the slippery cold wet rim of the bowl. Something you've had an aversion to since those dark college nights (or in my case...army nights) of removing the demons you put there after a party. I can't help it...I yell - SONOFA....I compose myself not wanting to wake the baby up (must NOT wake the baby) but I've now bathed in my significant others toilet water, my arse is cold and wet not to mention totally contaminated.
 
The next logical thing in my mind is to say shag it and take a shower as I am a germaphobe anyways and the mere thought of touching or doing anything whilest someone else's toilet water trickles down my arsecrack is making me shudder. I get in the shower. It's early, I'm tired. I proceed to wash my hair and for whatever reason I turn the shampoo bottle over and read the back - why? I don't know but the directions are: Wet hair, apply shampoo from root to tip, massage, rinse. Bells go off! It clicks....wow...this is just like any other shampoo but I need to go from the root to the tip! So this is the salon secret I've been missing! I get to thinking. "Why do we need those instructions?" Is there ever going to be a time when we use shampoo and perhaps we should massage our heads first and then add the shampoo in one big dollup and be done? Oh noooo, I'm now thinking to much and didn't notice if I've applied it to my roots first and then tip or tip and then roots. I've totally failed the following directions part. I hope my hair doesn't fall out.
 
The next thing I notice is the 1-800 number at the bottom of the bottle. I can't help but wonder if someone's ever called it with questions. Is this why the very wealthy have the phones in their showers?
 
  • *Ring, Ring*
  • Thank you for calling Pantene hair products, how can I help you today?
  • Umm, hello, I'm afraid I've made a terrible mistake and applied your shampoo tip first and then roots. Any suggestions?
  • Ohhh that IS a problem. Were you not paying attention to the directions or did something happen that you reversed the order?
  • Yes, I just started thinking about other things...what do I do now?
  • Well, I'm afraid you'll have to go ahead and start the process over again only this time really try to follow those directions! Please call back if you have any other problems.
  • *Click*
 Do we actually need directions and warning labels? What are your thoughts?
 
 
 
It's been a while since I've had a non baby post but in my defense...that boy of mine is pretty blog worthy!
 
 
 

Comments

  1. I actually love reading the back of cosmetic instructions, and do try to follow! Lol! Ever since I could read. I always loved that friends episode where phoebe sings at the coffee shop "lather rinse repeat, lather rinse repeat, lather rinse repeat.... As needed!"

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  2. Ps, your husband owes you. Hugely.

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  3. This is funny to me because 99% of the shit that goes on at my large company is never run by us (the legal department). How's that for scary??

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  4. My think those instructions are there for you to read when you are out of magazines and/or newspapers while pooping. There you go, I said it, I'm not alone in this, am I?

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