I Was Alone

Stop me from falling
Into the same sickening slumber 
That always comes 
After the sun slips away

The nightmares of the past 
Come back to haunt me 
And wont let me rest 
Till my soul is dry and bare 
It burns me to my core 

And my heart is left in shards 
When will I come out of 
The cloud of fear that hovers round me 

My mind is growing numb 
To the whole world I'm in 
And all my senses drowned 
By memories of what scares me most 

I'm feeling particularly raw, emotional and vulnerable lately and perhaps that's why I woke up from an all too real, horrible dream curled into a ball, tears on my face, fists clenched tight.

I dreamt that I was pregnant at the same time as a friend. We lived in this fabulous hotel that we shared with some of our closest climbing friends (many of whom I consider family). I was pregnant. I was happy.

We were having an event...watching climbing movies in the hotel theater, my pregnant friend and I in beds side by side, our friends fawning over us. I could feel the love, joy and excitement at welcoming two new babies to our family.

All of a sudden there was a rush...she was in labor and was going to have the baby very soon. It was then that I remembered that I hadn't felt the baby move in quite some time but no one was listening to me. I was invisible. Everyone's attention was on my friend and her baby. I panicked. I found headphones that I was using to desperately using to try and hear the baby's heartbeat. There was silence. I screamed for help. No help came. It was only after my friend had safely delivered her baby that someone took notice of me. 

It was too late. There was no heartbeat. There was no baby. What we thought was a baby was actually a cancerous tumor that had grown steadily, making me appear pregnant. The doctor told me that the baby they saw on an ultrasound at 7 weeks had stopped growing and cancer had taken over. I was distraught. The pain was raw and overwhelming. What I wanted so desperately had been violently and painfully ripped away from me.

They left me to go care for my friend and her new baby. 

I was alone.

It then shifted to me in a mall. I was walking past a store where Adam was with a couple of our family members (one of whom in real life had just announced a pregnancy). He was buying new clothes. He had to look his very best if he was to snag that fertile woman that would give him his much wanted baby. The baby that I was not able to give him...no matter how hard I tried.

I was alone.

I woke up, Adam asleep beside me. 

But I can't help to wonder "Will it ever happen for us?"



  1. Thinking of you this morning, as I often do, hoping your day is coming and in the meantime praying you will find peace.

  2. Oh Janet, my heart hurts for you. Thank you so much for being brave enough to share all this with us. I know these feelings too well; as I said yesterday, I think we can help each other so much by being honest and open, because even though it's scary, it can allow others to realize that their feelings, no matter how shitty or dark, are normal. Sometimes I think this community focuses so much on the core desire for a baby, that all those other things get swept under the carpet: the feelings of worthlessness, the invisiblity, the envy, the powerlessness.

    I'm sorry you had that dream, and the pain that comes with it. I'm sorry you're even in a place where those things are a part of your subconscious thoughts. But you're not alone my friend. I so want it to happen for you. You deserve it. Sending hugs.

  3. Thinking about you today Janet!! Lifting you up in prayer!

  4. Oh my gosh, Janet. What a horrible, horrible nightmare. I am so sorry. :( It isn't fair that real life is hard enough...your dreams must be miserable, too? Awful. Praying today is better and that your hope is renewed. Hugs, friend.

  5. That's a super crappy thing for your subconscious to do to you, my friend. And those feelings last when you wake up, I know them well. I wonder the same thing about whether it will happen for us too.

  6. This makes my heart ache for you. I hate dreams like that more than anything! I have been praying extra hard for you lately! Big huge hugs!

  7. Oh this just broke my heart. It makes me angry and sad for you. Even though I know you do your best to cope with this and be positive and all of that jazz, it's just not fair and I really cannot imagine how painful it must be underneath. Your dream gives a taste...especially the parts about feeling alone and feeling scared he will leave you. I am so, so sorry. I hope the dream fades away.

  8. i'm sitting here in tears. you are so damn real and i just think you're amazing. i'm SO sorry you had such a crazy, heartbreaking, scary nightmare. they are terrifying and when you wake up, sometimes it just feels scarier for a second. i think about you each day and pray for you all the time. i hope and pray that sweet dreams are headed your way. xoxoxox


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