I Have To Wonder

Fear is an unpleasant emotion induced by a threat perceived by living entities, which causes a change in brain and organ function and ultimately a change in behavior, such as running away, hiding or freezing from traumatic events. Fear may occur in response to a specific stimulus happening in the present, or to a future situation, which is perceived as risk to health or life, status, power, security, or in the case of humans wealth or anything held valuable. The fear response arises from the perception of danger leading to confrontation with or escape from /avoiding the threat (also known as the fight-or-flight response), which in extreme cases of fear (horror and terror) can be a freeze response or paralysis. In humans and animals, fear is modulated by the process of cognition and learning. Thus fear has been judged as rational or appropriate and irrational or inappropriate. An irrational fear is called a phobia.

Being pregnant after IVF, FET and miscarriage (chemical pregnancy) is scary. Terrifying in fact. I've spent the last couple of months constantly monitoring my thoughts and redirecting myself from fear to hope. It’s exhausting. 

Fear tells me that I am going to lose this baby too and that I can't walk through that pain again. Hope comes in and says that everything will be okay. Fear tells me something is wrong. Hope tells me that everything is perfect. On and on it goes. When I initially took that first pregnancy test, I was spotting. I continued to spot off and on until 9 weeks. It was emotionally consuming. I only had spotting when I was pregnant with the baby that I don’t have. 

Fear, hope. Fear, hope.  If I’m being perfectly honest with you, when I first got that positive pregnancy test, my heart didn't even know how to be excited because it was so scared...even though I was getting the one thing I most desired. I knew that every day would be a battle. But I did not count on being attacked in my dreams. I have not been attacked in sleep for a very long time, but this pregnancy I have had dreams and nightmares that gave vision to some of my worst fears. The enemy that is fear is not messing around. 

These last couple of months have been emotionally exhausting for me, constantly battling the enemy for my peace. I’m so thankful that we have been surrounded by people who have been with us, cheering us on. If you’re going to face your fear, it’s much better to walk through it surrounded by love.

Every week that goes by...I'm thankful. I'm thankful for 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12 weeks with this baby. Because each day is a gift.

But I have to wonder...at 12 weeks 4 days pregnant today...does the fear ever really go away?




Comments

  1. I am not sure that the worry or fear ever goes away. Maybe with time it becomes less and the hope becomes more.

    Congrats on 12 + weeks!

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  2. Oh my god. I could have written every single word. I'm 5w6d pregnant today and I am 5w6d terrified. Every day is a battle between fear and hope - so very true. Last night I fell down. On my knees but really hard and then this morning my boobs aren't as sore as they've been. In my mind - obvious miscarriage. The PTSD from have 2 MC's in 8 mos is tiring. I just want to believe.

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  3. I am 20 weeks today and still live with that stupid fear. I want to start buying diapers every week to get stocked up, but then fear says as soon as I do that I will lose one or both of the babies. I wish that it could be easier and that I could give you a great piece of advice but I can't. My faith helps me through the day....

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  4. After getting pregnant following 3 miscarriages, the fear diminished after the 12 week marker but really only went away once I passed the point of viability at around 26 weeks. http://www.spensershope.org/chances_for_survival.htm

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  5. I wish I could say the fear goes away, but it doesn't. Up until I took my babies home from the hospital, I didn't believe it would happen. But the flipside is that once the worst has happened to you more than once you stop believing that being afraid all the time will protect you. F@#* the fear! Buy those diapers, cruise the baby sites, plan that nursery. I wish I hadn't wasted one minute being afraid.

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  6. I completely understand the fear. I couldn't believe the amount of emotions I felt at the beginning of this pregnancy since it was the 1st pregnancy after our loss. I was convinced I was losing the baby from about weeks 6-10. Every pain I felt I'd think, "well here we go again!" because that same cramping I get from round ligament pain, feels JUST like it did when my miscarriage began. The implantation bleeding I had with this pregnancy was the SAME as the bleeding that started my miscarriage. My husband finally looked at me after weeks of me saying I was going to lose the baby and said, "You have to make that switch in your mind from these feelings are feelings of a miscarriage to feelings of a growing pregnancy." And he was right! I was growing a baby. Every appointment we had been to said everything was fine and I needed to start believing it. I started feeling tiny flutters around 12 weeks and a 16 weeks she let out her 1st real big kick! And now she reminds me DAILY at 22 weeks that she's in there :) I think God gave me an active child to allow me to relax and know she's ok. I hope your fear is starting to subside and you get to enjoy your pregnancy.

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  7. The fear never really goes away completely. Even after they are born. But it does get easier to handle after the 20-week scan, I found. Something about getting confirmation that all body parts are growing on track rely helped ease my mind.

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