Nightmare or Reality?

In the two hours I managed to sleep last night, I had the most upsetting nightmare. I woke up drenched with sweat and in tears and could not go back to sleep.

It was all my heartache and losses rolled into one.

I dreamt I went for an ultrasound and was told that it looked like my uterus was gone. Gone? As in missing, not there. No uterus to carry a baby. No hope. The u/s technician told me so casually, as if it didn’t matter. I was hysterical, running around, begging someone to give me a definitive answer, to do another ultrasound, but all they could do was say ‘we will have to wait until tomorrow to see whether it comes back or not.


And then you leave the clinic or rooms, and you go outside and the world just carries on around you. People scurry on by, having conversations, laughing, doing shopping and your world has smashed into a thousand pieces. How can the world just carry on?

All these horrible memories and feelings came back to me last night, but the most overwhelming feeling was one of total terror, of feeling so out of control. I was so scared that this would break my heart forever, that it would never mend. The wave of terror, pain, anguish was rushing towards me so quickly that I didn’t have time to harden my heart again, to gather my strength and find some resolve. It was too enormous, too overwhelming, I was going to drown. I couldn’t breath.

And then thankfully my alarm went off. It was such a disturbing dream. And it scared me because I don’t know if I can do this again. I am tired, my fragile heart and soul are pieced together with bits of tape, string and old glue. One more blow and it will shatter forever. I don’t think I will be able to fight that wave again. I fear I will drown.

It feels as if it has taken every thing I have to get to this point, I have borrowed up to my limit on my strength and resolve. I don’t think there's any left.

What a horrible dream.


I think I dreamt this in light of my upcoming appointment with our RE tomorrow morning. Will he have good news? Bad news? Part of me almost doesn't even want to hear what he has to say. All of the optimism has been beaten out of me over this last year plus. It's been disappointment after disappointment and as as result I expect nothing other than disappointment. 

I hope that I am wrong. I hope this is a good positive sign...

It would appear based on this ovulation test I took this afternoon that my old and less than stellar eggs are in fact ovulating every month as they should. 

Comments

  1. Ugh - I had some of the craziest and worst anxiety dreams while we took our break back in June along with those same feelings of hopelessness and fear that I didn't have it in me any more to keep on with treatments. Hang in there! Good luck at your appointment tomorrow. I hope your RE has some words of hope for you.

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  2. Please let us know how your appt went. Thinking of you.

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