Today & Tomorrow

Most days, I go with the flow, looking at the bright side of things because, let’s face it, it’s way more fun to laugh than to dissolve into a puddle of tears, right?

And then there are days like today. It started with an email from a friend that got me thinking and that's never, never a good thing.



Friend..."I am in awe of the resilience you have shown through these past few months".


My response..."Some days I feel heroic. Other days I just feel stupid. Today is one of those other days".


I was talking to a friend about our situation and she was asking about the amount of money that we have spent thus far in our pursuit for baby JaAdam.  When I told her how much we've spent, her jaw dropped. Once again I was reminded of how dramatically my frame of reference has changed, and of how foolish and almost reckless this pursuit sometimes seems, even to me. The money is really the least of it (and I know how fortunate I am to be able to say that). What embarrasses me most acutely are thoughts of the wasted time, the misplaced emotional energy, and the utter self-absorption of the last year.
Sometimes I feel heroic to have kept up the struggle in the face of such discouraging results. Like there's some intrinsic merit in pursuing a cherished goal with no thought to personal hardship. But other times I feel like a total chump. One year, thousands of dollars, four cycles, one chemical pregnancy, and nothing to show for it all. Yeah, today I feel stupid but tomorrow is a whole new day.


Comments

  1. I've been there- hated every second of it. I'm thinking of you my friend!

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  2. It sucks when you have nothing to show for it, that's true. But when you ask someone "How much did you spend for that truck?" it isn't a shock for someone to say '30 grand'. Yeah, they have a truck for all their money, but it is only good for a few years. Spending that kind of money for an entire life seems like a bargain in comparison :)

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  3. What's hardest is it should be covered by your health care plan. It is after all, health care. Canada is one of the few countries that has public health care yet doesn't cover it. Heck, with a good job, you'd have it covered in the US. So don't beat yourself up. It's just a crappy anomaly that our dumb system doesn't consider reproduction 'health'.

    ReplyDelete
  4. It does seem crazy to people who've never had to go through it. And it's easy for them to say that they would never do it - I said the same thing! But here I am, doing it...and not even done yet! Don't feel stupid - we are just unlucky and have to work a hell of a lot harder/longer for something that others can take for granted. And the only thing that gets you through it is resilience - so you owe yourself a pat on the back!

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