Haven


Ha-ven - A place of refuge or rest; a sanctuary.
I've been in my haven recently. Interestingly enough, before embarking on this IVF journey I didn't even know that I had a haven. The past few weeks have been tough and life has just been a little too much for me. Lately I tend to slink off into my haven to sit in the dark and lick my wounds for a bit. I like that it’s dark and quiet in there.
Some people, when are they down, or troubled, need to surround themselves with people, to talk about it. This is usually me, has always been me...until now. Now I need the opposite. I need to go into my haven and be on my own for a while. I don't understand it, I just know that I need it. 
I've spent a lot of  time in my haven while cycling, or more specifically after a negative or a disappointment. I cut myself off from the world and try and fortify myself.
The haven is a safe place, you sit with your back to the wall, in the dark, facing the entrance. No one can sneak up on you and hurt you, no one can surprise you with hurtful comments. No one is there is force you to be social, friendly, happy, you can sit in your haven in your raw, naked emotion and just heal. You can be as sad and mad and raw as you want, no one will see you and be frightened at the depth of your emotion. They won't feel they have to make you feel better. It’s a time to be in your rawest state, without fear of being hurt more or being seen. 
When I feel better I will come out again. Stronger, with my skin thickened and my sense of humor and sanity back in tact.
Her Safe Place by Peace, Love & Cupcakes via Etsy


Comments

  1. I can totally relate. I have been in my haven for a few days now - partially becuase I am under the weather but mostly because I am terrified about my next FET. I think I purposefully shelter myself in my haven because I don't want to get hurt or even face the world. Time to get out of my comfort zone tomorrow but I enjoyed every moment of being coddled in my haven. No regrets.

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  2. I really related to this post. I never used to be someone who wanted to be alone when going through a difficult time. But IF is totally different - for me, the less I have to talk about it with others the better. It's just too painful and too raw.

    I have been reading you for some time but haven't commented before. I am so sorry about your last cycle, and I am really hoping that this year will be the one where you get the baby you deserve!

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